（抬頭呢？）稱呼officer用 （Dear Officer.）
(問候語也要寫下來：Good morning./ Greetings./ Hope you are having a nice day!)

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. (每個(gè)句號，逗號后要有一個(gè)空格) My name is XXX. I am a tourist from China. I am planning to (go to) there （到底是哪里要說清楚） at the beginning of October (,) 2014. Now there is a(n) impportant thing I need your help to confirm(命令般的語氣，建議寫成：I'm writing to inquire an confirmation of approval of my ETA).
I applied for a individual tourist ETA on the official website (要寫清楚是什么site) on 19 Aug 2014, I (filled in) all the information and pa(ied) the fee, but the website didn't jump to (去掉the) step 4--ETA /confirm/iation. So far i（大寫） still haven't (receive) the mail (of) the appro(v)al (of) ETA and I don't konw what is my ETA number.
My dear Officers （officer不需要大寫，而且你跟人家沒什么交情就不要說的這么煽情了，My Dear 某某某一般是寫給親人的時(shí)候才有的）, （所以這里直接從這句開始 Would大寫） would you please help to confirm (that) whether my ETA is approved(?) (M)y registeration information is a(s) follows:
XXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXX
I sincerely request（又是命令的語氣） that you as soon as possible（整句話改成：I sincerely hope that you can send/write back to me as soon as possible) , your timely verification would be highly appreciated. (Thank you. 千萬不要吝嗇這最后一個(gè)感謝）

sincerely, (這里一定只能選一個(gè)詞,不要太繁瑣) 或者可以說 （Best,/ Best wishes,/ Sincerely要大寫)

XXX (你的署名）